Smaesh!

Kris: How can I improve in Super Smash bros. Melee?

As many of you may know, video games have become incredibly popular over the last few years. However, they can be too difficult for you peons to understand/master, and with online play and multiplayer modes, I can watch you inferiors fight each other like chickens, or dogs, or greased up super models. Being Nettis, I never struggle while playing video games because I always win. "But Nettis, I beat you at Halo last night!" There is an explanation for this - I always play Xbox with my feet, just like I play the guitar with my eyelids. I also tend to lose because it's best for the community - you see, I used to be relentless, killing all of my virtual foes. Pretty soon, the real people behind those enemies began killing themselves. When I stopped playing Xbox for a few weeks, the teen suicide rate went down by 93.1%, the other 6.9% being caused by autoerotic asphyxiation. Being the all knowing, I decided to not play at my best to save all of those lives. You can thank me by sending me a check for $450 in the mail.

I apologize - with all of my rambling I have forgotten the question at hand. Now, pretty much all of these games have the same strategies to win. What you need to do first is check to see if you can cheat at the game. If you can, than do it. Say a game has no cheat codes, what do you do? That's right, you cheat outside the game. Throw things at your opposer, hit them, strangle them, etc. Or if you have the same powers as I do, you can just blow up their head just by thinking really hard (Note: Do not attempt this if you do not want to spend an evening picking up skull fragments off of your floor). Another way to win is similar to how people win things in real life: by being an asshole. In Super Smash Bros., there is a special way to do this - look for the "up" button on your controller, then press it over and over again. Tell your enemy about how little you care about winning the game. This will usually trick them into believing that you are better than them and that they should just give up. Another popular taunting method is tea bagging. This involves causing your game character to crouch over and over again over the face of a downed opponent, simulating the action of sticking your ballsack into their mouth. If the game you are playing does not give you the opportunity to do this, just tea bag your enemy in real life.

If you don't follow my advice, you will most likely lose the game. If you do, follow these simple tips. First off, tell your foe that video games are for losers, completely ignoring the fact that you just played a videogame and were in fact, the "loser" of that round. Next, try and bring the victor's outside problems into the argument. Mentioning that he/she failed a test or has an alcoholic parent will most likely shut them up. If that doesn't work, blame your problems on a learning disability. If the drug companies can use them to sell you heroin in pill form, then you can use it to explain why you suck at everything. If all else fails, tell them you want to play best two out of three rounds, three out of five, etc. This way, you can try my earlier stated ideas so you can finally win for a change.