3 for 1 Special!

Through a series of interesting events, I received an email from a guy named Jason. Get this - he went to a girl's house who he met at the mall expecting to get some ass, but instead he was beaten up by her boyfriend and her brother. He has obviously heard of my immense greatness and wishes to drink from my fountain of knowledge.

"Alright, my name is Jason. I'm madly in love with this girl, how do i get her?"

Ah, good question Jason. Luckily for you, you've asked an expert. Here's how it works: women are very complex things. Once you understand them, they'll be eating out of the palm of your hand. So let me give you some helpful pointers.

1) Women love musicians. Nobody knows why, but some guy playing the same thing over and over again on a guitar like he's Kurt Cobain attracts the ladies (or Courtney Love...). So what you need to do is grab yourself a guitar, plug it in and start playing (no talent required)! Now it's time for a quiz...

What should you play on the guitar?
a) A simple, romantic chord progression
b) An epic, face-melting riff

Time's up. If you said "A" you are an idiot who will never feel the hands of a female upon your genitalia. However, if you said "B", then congratulations, you don't need that tube sock filled with mashed potatoes anymore! I'm sorry though - the deep secrets of heavy metal guitar playing aren't available for all to read... So, i'll move on to point 2

2) Women love heroes. There's just something about heroic deeds that get the fairer sex ready for action. Just look at Superman, or Batman if he wasn't gay (we all know what you and Robin do in the Batcave). "But Nettis, how can I become a hero?", you may wonder. Well, it's easy, either jump in radioactive waste or donate blood at your local blood drive. "But Nettis, radioactive waste is icky and needles are scary!" Geez, do you ever shut up? So then you can just pretend to be a hero. Tell every girl you meet how you donated $1 to a local charity, or how you were in a breast cancer walk once.

3) Have an incredibly large penis.


But I know you don't want any girl, you want her. Why didn't you get her? Well, heres a new list and it details why you have failed.

1) You have a fauxhawk, come on dude, really? Fauxhawks suck because there was no "fauxhawk" Native American tribe. If there was, the Mohawk and the Afro tribes would have destroyed them by now.

2) She thinks your ugly. Yeah, how does that feel? Does it sting? I bet it does.

3) *Refer to pointer #3 above*

Well, there you go Jason. If these tips don't get you laid, then you have failed as a human being.

Jason: Why is your picture spinning?

You're still asking questions? Well, here's an interesting fact about that picture. I'm not actually spinning. Rather, I am using my amazing powers to move the universe around underneath me. I'm just that awesome.

Jason: Why am I asking you this?

Other people have problems too, you know. You are asking me this because of the "interesting events" listed above, and you are extremely gullible. However, this is also because I know everything and you know nothing. Thank you, and come again.