Adam: Being that we are in the midst of the holiday season, I would ask you how to decide what presents to get for he various people I know. However in the nature of this website (I'm not gonna call this a blog) I instead will ask you, how do I decide whether or not the various people I know deserve a gift or not and what horrible occurrence I shall wish upon them instead.
Good question, but first, I'd like to say something. Where's my holiday? I am Nettis, the greatest being to ever live and some opium dealer who got nailed to a plank of wood comes and steals my thunder! And what about that whole candle lighting holiday, come on, 8 days for some candles that lasted longer than expected! I invented lightning for crying out loud! We need a Nettis themed holiday, you name the day and I'll buy the eggnog.
Anyway, on with the answer. As the tale of Santa Claus goes, the big jolly fat guy gives presents out to the good kids, and coal to the naughty kids. However, this is just being lazy, I use many more groups on my holiday "to steal for" and "to steal from" lists. Allow me to share my secrets with you. First off, look at everyone who you are "supposed" to get gifts for during the holiday season. Now, look at all of the people who you think won't get you a gift. This is a good group to give gifts to, because then you can guilt them into buying you a gift in return. Remember, it's better to receive than to give, unless its an Old Navy gift certificate. Next, what you'll want to do is look at the people you know you will be receiving gifts from. Don't buy them squat, why should you have to spend your hard earned money on people who will automatically give you free shit? Exactly, you shouldn't.
Now, you want to know what horrors you should wish on those who deserve none? Well, the horror should relate to the person somehow. That way, everyone can have a creative and interesting terror invoked on them. For instance, if you have a really short friend, you should wish that each of their limbs be tied to separate cars and then have the cars speed off in opposite directions, because then your friend will be just a bit taller before they're quartered. Or, if you have a fat friend, wish that they fall into a meat grinder and placed into several microwavable pot-pies. This is getting off track from the holiday fun, so remember this. Celebrate Nettis day this year, and you won't die.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
A Story of Pure Horror
Alright, I've been waiting to answer this for a long time.
Leo Kuba asking, Please explain your theories on ******** *******'s birth, parents, and overall existence?
(Name edited out by me for a reason which may become apparent later)
Good question Leo. In fact, this has given me the opportunity to take out my old book of current generation Nettis folklore. I of course wrote the entire thing, along with the Bible, Torah, and the Kama Sutra. Now, if you could dim the lights for just a second? Alright, cool. Here it goes...
(The Book of Nettis)
A long time ago, on a desolate farm in the middle of the great wasteland, there lived a woman and her husband. They loved each other very much, but they never had intercourse, for their religion forbade it. One day, in the midst of Autumn, the woman was toiling away in the fields when she saw something overhead. Staring at the massive black blotch in the sky frightened the woman and she rushed inside.
"Abraham, there is a great blotch blocking out the sun!" She cried, falling into her husband's arms.
"Fear not, for I shall find out what this horrible spot in the sky is." Abraham announced, grabbing his spirit-banishing flute and his jacket. When he stepped outside, he couldn't believe his eyes, thousands upon thousands of ravens, crows, vultures, and assorted evil looking birds had landed on his land.
"A sign from the gods!" Abraham shrieked, pressing the flute to his lips and blowing hard. The noise caused the birds to sweep up into a frenzy, and the horrid creatures grasped Abraham and carried him up into the sky. He was never seen, or heard from again.
The young woman had now become a widow and she was extremely sad. She tried to mask her sadness by sleeping with every man who came past the farm. This seemed to fill the void inside of her (in more ways than one if you catch my drift) and she seemed to be happy. That is, until the blotch in the sky appeared again. When the birds landed upon the farm, they brought something else - they brought Abraham, or what was left of him. His shredded corpse had been reanimated by the blackest of all black magic. The corpse of her late husband shambled up to her. It tried to speak, but all that came out was a mangled mass of demonic tongues. The body then walked away and was carried into the sky by the birds. Soon, the woman became pregnant. "Who could the father be?" She pondered. No matter who the father was, she promised herself that she would love her baby forever.
About nine months later, on the eve of the new moon, the woman awoke from her sleep. Looking down at her blanket, she realized that her water had broke, and she was going into labor. She quickly got up and ran to the phone and called the hospital. Soon enough, a doctor and several nurses arrived at the womans house. The doctor raised the woman's legs up on the bed posts, and began to monitor the baby. "I can see the head!" One of the nurses remarked, full of joy, had she only known of the horrors that this baby would cause... As the baby's head fully emerged from the woman, the doctor suddenly noticed what this baby actually was. Grabbing a bottle of holy water, he started to pour it over the half-born child's head. Steam emerged from the demon baby's head as its shrieks emanated throughout the house. The baby then fully emerged from the woman, turning towards the doctor, it opened its mouth. A large thorny tentacle emerged from the toothless mouth and impaled itself in the doctor's chest.
"Tis the spawn of the ungodly!" Were the doctor's last words before his head was ripped off by another tentacle. The nurses were now huddled into a corner, crying and wishing that they had chosen to be strippers instead of going to nursing school. The child shambled towards the women as bat wings emerged from its back. The women were soon slaughtered by the tentacles of the beast. As it flew off into the night, the mother looked up at it, and started to weep, for she realized what she had done.
"Who is this demon?" you ask. My 8th grade English teacher, that's who.
Leo Kuba asking, Please explain your theories on ******** *******'s birth, parents, and overall existence?
(Name edited out by me for a reason which may become apparent later)
Good question Leo. In fact, this has given me the opportunity to take out my old book of current generation Nettis folklore. I of course wrote the entire thing, along with the Bible, Torah, and the Kama Sutra. Now, if you could dim the lights for just a second? Alright, cool. Here it goes...
(The Book of Nettis)
A long time ago, on a desolate farm in the middle of the great wasteland, there lived a woman and her husband. They loved each other very much, but they never had intercourse, for their religion forbade it. One day, in the midst of Autumn, the woman was toiling away in the fields when she saw something overhead. Staring at the massive black blotch in the sky frightened the woman and she rushed inside.
"Abraham, there is a great blotch blocking out the sun!" She cried, falling into her husband's arms.
"Fear not, for I shall find out what this horrible spot in the sky is." Abraham announced, grabbing his spirit-banishing flute and his jacket. When he stepped outside, he couldn't believe his eyes, thousands upon thousands of ravens, crows, vultures, and assorted evil looking birds had landed on his land.
"A sign from the gods!" Abraham shrieked, pressing the flute to his lips and blowing hard. The noise caused the birds to sweep up into a frenzy, and the horrid creatures grasped Abraham and carried him up into the sky. He was never seen, or heard from again.
The young woman had now become a widow and she was extremely sad. She tried to mask her sadness by sleeping with every man who came past the farm. This seemed to fill the void inside of her (in more ways than one if you catch my drift) and she seemed to be happy. That is, until the blotch in the sky appeared again. When the birds landed upon the farm, they brought something else - they brought Abraham, or what was left of him. His shredded corpse had been reanimated by the blackest of all black magic. The corpse of her late husband shambled up to her. It tried to speak, but all that came out was a mangled mass of demonic tongues. The body then walked away and was carried into the sky by the birds. Soon, the woman became pregnant. "Who could the father be?" She pondered. No matter who the father was, she promised herself that she would love her baby forever.
About nine months later, on the eve of the new moon, the woman awoke from her sleep. Looking down at her blanket, she realized that her water had broke, and she was going into labor. She quickly got up and ran to the phone and called the hospital. Soon enough, a doctor and several nurses arrived at the womans house. The doctor raised the woman's legs up on the bed posts, and began to monitor the baby. "I can see the head!" One of the nurses remarked, full of joy, had she only known of the horrors that this baby would cause... As the baby's head fully emerged from the woman, the doctor suddenly noticed what this baby actually was. Grabbing a bottle of holy water, he started to pour it over the half-born child's head. Steam emerged from the demon baby's head as its shrieks emanated throughout the house. The baby then fully emerged from the woman, turning towards the doctor, it opened its mouth. A large thorny tentacle emerged from the toothless mouth and impaled itself in the doctor's chest.
"Tis the spawn of the ungodly!" Were the doctor's last words before his head was ripped off by another tentacle. The nurses were now huddled into a corner, crying and wishing that they had chosen to be strippers instead of going to nursing school. The child shambled towards the women as bat wings emerged from its back. The women were soon slaughtered by the tentacles of the beast. As it flew off into the night, the mother looked up at it, and started to weep, for she realized what she had done.
"Who is this demon?" you ask. My 8th grade English teacher, that's who.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Nettis Tutors
Adam: I'm failing math. How can I improve?
Good question. However, my brain can comprehend trillions of mathematical operations per second, which would normally cause the average brain to melt into a puddle of pink-gray goop. This means that I will have to come up with a better way of explaining math without using that much math. First off, you'll need to throw out your calculator. Like I mentioned a few days ago, calculators are inferior and are often wrong. I find that counting with my fingers is far more effective, especially when it comes to calculus. Here's a quick tip that you can use on any math test. Say you have an algebraic problem such as "3x -27 = 18x +45". What you need to remember is that you can do something to one side of this problem as long as you do it to the other side. Divide both sides by zero. Seeing as most mathematicians support that anything divided by zero is undefined, you should write the following on your paper. "You have failed as a teacher. Nettis suggests that you quit your job and join the circus." Then draw an arrow from that sentence to the problem and write "and that's why."
One thing that seems to trouble me is that people don't know anything about mathematics. Back when I invented math (right after I invented gravity and death metal), I thought that you peons would be able to understand it. Well, I was wrong, which never happens and defies all logic. Thanks a lot assholes, now logic doesn't work. The original intention of math was to help keep track of things such as time, height, hookers killed, weight, etc. However, some "brilliant" people had to go and fuck everything up. There was no intention for there to be formulas, variables, or imaginary numbers. Seriously, how the hell can a number be imaginary?! "i" is not a number, it's a letter! A fucking letter! That stuff really pissed me off, so I decided to punish people by making disease and mortality. That's right, the real reason you have cancer is because of the Pythagorean Theorem. And because you smoke too much. However, because I am all knowing, as soon as someone came up with some new math, I knew it before they did.
Just to let you all know, the last digit of pi is "Nettis".
Good question. However, my brain can comprehend trillions of mathematical operations per second, which would normally cause the average brain to melt into a puddle of pink-gray goop. This means that I will have to come up with a better way of explaining math without using that much math. First off, you'll need to throw out your calculator. Like I mentioned a few days ago, calculators are inferior and are often wrong. I find that counting with my fingers is far more effective, especially when it comes to calculus. Here's a quick tip that you can use on any math test. Say you have an algebraic problem such as "3x -27 = 18x +45". What you need to remember is that you can do something to one side of this problem as long as you do it to the other side. Divide both sides by zero. Seeing as most mathematicians support that anything divided by zero is undefined, you should write the following on your paper. "You have failed as a teacher. Nettis suggests that you quit your job and join the circus." Then draw an arrow from that sentence to the problem and write "and that's why."
One thing that seems to trouble me is that people don't know anything about mathematics. Back when I invented math (right after I invented gravity and death metal), I thought that you peons would be able to understand it. Well, I was wrong, which never happens and defies all logic. Thanks a lot assholes, now logic doesn't work. The original intention of math was to help keep track of things such as time, height, hookers killed, weight, etc. However, some "brilliant" people had to go and fuck everything up. There was no intention for there to be formulas, variables, or imaginary numbers. Seriously, how the hell can a number be imaginary?! "i" is not a number, it's a letter! A fucking letter! That stuff really pissed me off, so I decided to punish people by making disease and mortality. That's right, the real reason you have cancer is because of the Pythagorean Theorem. And because you smoke too much. However, because I am all knowing, as soon as someone came up with some new math, I knew it before they did.
Just to let you all know, the last digit of pi is "Nettis".
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Werewolves and woodchucks.
I noticed something the other day. In a desperate attempt to be "witty" or "funny" some of you have sent me a series of stupid questions. "Hey guys, let's ask Nettis what color a smurf turns when you strangle it!" You know what color it turns? It turns a brilliant hue of "go fuck yourself." I do not want to receive any more of these questions. However, It's garbage day which means that I'm going to give some brief answers to these questions.
Roy: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck would?
Gee, that's a real tough one right there. I wonder if woodchucks ask each other "how many shitty questions could one human ask if one human could?" However, they don't because woodchucks can't fucking talk. Nor do they actually "chuck" wood. Come on, just because an animal is named after an action, it doesn't mean that the animal does said action. Take the swallow for example. Yeah, they don't do that and now I'm not allowed to go to the park anymore. NEXT!
Adam: During a lunar eclipse, would a werewolf change completely, Stay the
same, or just get stuck with sideburns and a goatee?
Werewolves know not to change during lunar eclipses because vampires warn them not to. Then the werewolves realize that shape shifting is impossible, and the vampires realize that no human could possibly live on a diet of blood. Then they both realize that neither of them exist and then they vanish.
Why are the letters of the alphabet in that particular order? Is it
because of the song?
I myself was actually very curious about this myself. So I decided to use my powers to go back in time and ask the ancient Greeks. (I already knew the answer, I just wanted to try time traveling) So when I arrived in Athens, I asked the nearest citizen where i could find the academy. She screamed at the top of her lungs, yelled something in Greek and ran away. Which is the weirdest orgasm I've ever seen.
Of course they aren't in that order because of the song!
If you took a compass into space, what direction would it point?
It would point towards me.
Cristian: The statement below is true
The statement above is false
make this make sense
Did you just demand something of me? I don't take demands, I take questions. 3...2...1... There, now several billion flesh-eating bacteria now live on your skin. Here's how this one works. Read sentence 1, turn around, wait five minutes, turn around and read sentence 2. There, now it makes sense.
Anonymous: If 7-11 is open 24/7, 365, why do they have locks on the doors?
To keep clever people like you out of the store.
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Shouldn't the word "penis" be longer or shorter depending on who's saying it? Use the word abbr. and shut up.
How come you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
How come I never see the headline "Annoying Internet Anonymous Bursts into Flames"?
Roy: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck would?
Gee, that's a real tough one right there. I wonder if woodchucks ask each other "how many shitty questions could one human ask if one human could?" However, they don't because woodchucks can't fucking talk. Nor do they actually "chuck" wood. Come on, just because an animal is named after an action, it doesn't mean that the animal does said action. Take the swallow for example. Yeah, they don't do that and now I'm not allowed to go to the park anymore. NEXT!
Adam: During a lunar eclipse, would a werewolf change completely, Stay the
same, or just get stuck with sideburns and a goatee?
Werewolves know not to change during lunar eclipses because vampires warn them not to. Then the werewolves realize that shape shifting is impossible, and the vampires realize that no human could possibly live on a diet of blood. Then they both realize that neither of them exist and then they vanish.
Why are the letters of the alphabet in that particular order? Is it
because of the song?
I myself was actually very curious about this myself. So I decided to use my powers to go back in time and ask the ancient Greeks. (I already knew the answer, I just wanted to try time traveling) So when I arrived in Athens, I asked the nearest citizen where i could find the academy. She screamed at the top of her lungs, yelled something in Greek and ran away. Which is the weirdest orgasm I've ever seen.
Of course they aren't in that order because of the song!
If you took a compass into space, what direction would it point?
It would point towards me.
Cristian: The statement below is true
The statement above is false
make this make sense
Did you just demand something of me? I don't take demands, I take questions. 3...2...1... There, now several billion flesh-eating bacteria now live on your skin. Here's how this one works. Read sentence 1, turn around, wait five minutes, turn around and read sentence 2. There, now it makes sense.
Anonymous: If 7-11 is open 24/7, 365, why do they have locks on the doors?
To keep clever people like you out of the store.
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Shouldn't the word "penis" be longer or shorter depending on who's saying it? Use the word abbr. and shut up.
How come you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
How come I never see the headline "Annoying Internet Anonymous Bursts into Flames"?
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Smaesh!
Kris: How can I improve in Super Smash bros. Melee?
As many of you may know, video games have become incredibly popular over the last few years. However, they can be too difficult for you peons to understand/master, and with online play and multiplayer modes, I can watch you inferiors fight each other like chickens, or dogs, or greased up super models. Being Nettis, I never struggle while playing video games because I always win. "But Nettis, I beat you at Halo last night!" There is an explanation for this - I always play Xbox with my feet, just like I play the guitar with my eyelids. I also tend to lose because it's best for the community - you see, I used to be relentless, killing all of my virtual foes. Pretty soon, the real people behind those enemies began killing themselves. When I stopped playing Xbox for a few weeks, the teen suicide rate went down by 93.1%, the other 6.9% being caused by autoerotic asphyxiation. Being the all knowing, I decided to not play at my best to save all of those lives. You can thank me by sending me a check for $450 in the mail.
I apologize - with all of my rambling I have forgotten the question at hand. Now, pretty much all of these games have the same strategies to win. What you need to do first is check to see if you can cheat at the game. If you can, than do it. Say a game has no cheat codes, what do you do? That's right, you cheat outside the game. Throw things at your opposer, hit them, strangle them, etc. Or if you have the same powers as I do, you can just blow up their head just by thinking really hard (Note: Do not attempt this if you do not want to spend an evening picking up skull fragments off of your floor). Another way to win is similar to how people win things in real life: by being an asshole. In Super Smash Bros., there is a special way to do this - look for the "up" button on your controller, then press it over and over again. Tell your enemy about how little you care about winning the game. This will usually trick them into believing that you are better than them and that they should just give up. Another popular taunting method is tea bagging. This involves causing your game character to crouch over and over again over the face of a downed opponent, simulating the action of sticking your ballsack into their mouth. If the game you are playing does not give you the opportunity to do this, just tea bag your enemy in real life.
If you don't follow my advice, you will most likely lose the game. If you do, follow these simple tips. First off, tell your foe that video games are for losers, completely ignoring the fact that you just played a videogame and were in fact, the "loser" of that round. Next, try and bring the victor's outside problems into the argument. Mentioning that he/she failed a test or has an alcoholic parent will most likely shut them up. If that doesn't work, blame your problems on a learning disability. If the drug companies can use them to sell you heroin in pill form, then you can use it to explain why you suck at everything. If all else fails, tell them you want to play best two out of three rounds, three out of five, etc. This way, you can try my earlier stated ideas so you can finally win for a change.
As many of you may know, video games have become incredibly popular over the last few years. However, they can be too difficult for you peons to understand/master, and with online play and multiplayer modes, I can watch you inferiors fight each other like chickens, or dogs, or greased up super models. Being Nettis, I never struggle while playing video games because I always win. "But Nettis, I beat you at Halo last night!" There is an explanation for this - I always play Xbox with my feet, just like I play the guitar with my eyelids. I also tend to lose because it's best for the community - you see, I used to be relentless, killing all of my virtual foes. Pretty soon, the real people behind those enemies began killing themselves. When I stopped playing Xbox for a few weeks, the teen suicide rate went down by 93.1%, the other 6.9% being caused by autoerotic asphyxiation. Being the all knowing, I decided to not play at my best to save all of those lives. You can thank me by sending me a check for $450 in the mail.
I apologize - with all of my rambling I have forgotten the question at hand. Now, pretty much all of these games have the same strategies to win. What you need to do first is check to see if you can cheat at the game. If you can, than do it. Say a game has no cheat codes, what do you do? That's right, you cheat outside the game. Throw things at your opposer, hit them, strangle them, etc. Or if you have the same powers as I do, you can just blow up their head just by thinking really hard (Note: Do not attempt this if you do not want to spend an evening picking up skull fragments off of your floor). Another way to win is similar to how people win things in real life: by being an asshole. In Super Smash Bros., there is a special way to do this - look for the "up" button on your controller, then press it over and over again. Tell your enemy about how little you care about winning the game. This will usually trick them into believing that you are better than them and that they should just give up. Another popular taunting method is tea bagging. This involves causing your game character to crouch over and over again over the face of a downed opponent, simulating the action of sticking your ballsack into their mouth. If the game you are playing does not give you the opportunity to do this, just tea bag your enemy in real life.
If you don't follow my advice, you will most likely lose the game. If you do, follow these simple tips. First off, tell your foe that video games are for losers, completely ignoring the fact that you just played a videogame and were in fact, the "loser" of that round. Next, try and bring the victor's outside problems into the argument. Mentioning that he/she failed a test or has an alcoholic parent will most likely shut them up. If that doesn't work, blame your problems on a learning disability. If the drug companies can use them to sell you heroin in pill form, then you can use it to explain why you suck at everything. If all else fails, tell them you want to play best two out of three rounds, three out of five, etc. This way, you can try my earlier stated ideas so you can finally win for a change.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Sweet, Fan Mail
I've been answering questions for only two days, and yet I received some fan mail last night. This only goes to show that I am the greatest being ever to walk the face of the earth. But enough dilly-dallying, and on with the question.
hi im nikki valentine
u are such a sexaayy beast, im fucking horny for you. i want you. you're spinning picture really turns me on. oh please do me.
and my question
how can i get with you?
Oh, did I mention that this girl is a swimsuit model? Yeah, thats right, Nettis gets all of the ladies.
Your feelings of extreme horniness are extremely common, whenever women view a picture of my face or hear my voice, it causes such conditions. In fact, just the other day I caused a room full of women to start scissoring each other just by coughing. As much as I would love to give you a beef injection, I have a very tight schedule to adhere to. All of my sexual interactions are made by appointment at my personal office. Every person who wishes to be blessed with my scepter must fill out a sort of résumé and wait for screening. However, seeing as you took the time to send me such a grammatically correct and intelligently worded E-mail, I can have my secretary pencil you in for some time in the next two weeks. (right after I "pencil" her in, if you catch my drift) However, seeing as you are just a model and not a "supermodel" you may not be hot enough to meet my standards.
I believe the main reason so many women want me is because of my amazing sexual prowess. Such as my ability to make women orgasm just by looking into their eyes. However, the orgasms I cause from direct intercourse are enough to make a person explode, and I'm not talking metaphorically. It's kind of like when Gallagher smashes those watermelons on stage because he isn't funny enough to write jokes. That's why there's a death waiver in the fine print of the agreement I make all of the women sign. Also, I am so well endowed that the sheer mass of my member causes a gravitational force that attracts women directly towards my one eyed yogurt slinger. Or maybe they just love my hair, I haven't really figured that out yet.
hi im nikki valentine
u are such a sexaayy beast, im fucking horny for you. i want you. you're spinning picture really turns me on. oh please do me.
and my question
how can i get with you?
Oh, did I mention that this girl is a swimsuit model? Yeah, thats right, Nettis gets all of the ladies.
Your feelings of extreme horniness are extremely common, whenever women view a picture of my face or hear my voice, it causes such conditions. In fact, just the other day I caused a room full of women to start scissoring each other just by coughing. As much as I would love to give you a beef injection, I have a very tight schedule to adhere to. All of my sexual interactions are made by appointment at my personal office. Every person who wishes to be blessed with my scepter must fill out a sort of résumé and wait for screening. However, seeing as you took the time to send me such a grammatically correct and intelligently worded E-mail, I can have my secretary pencil you in for some time in the next two weeks. (right after I "pencil" her in, if you catch my drift) However, seeing as you are just a model and not a "supermodel" you may not be hot enough to meet my standards.
I believe the main reason so many women want me is because of my amazing sexual prowess. Such as my ability to make women orgasm just by looking into their eyes. However, the orgasms I cause from direct intercourse are enough to make a person explode, and I'm not talking metaphorically. It's kind of like when Gallagher smashes those watermelons on stage because he isn't funny enough to write jokes. That's why there's a death waiver in the fine print of the agreement I make all of the women sign. Also, I am so well endowed that the sheer mass of my member causes a gravitational force that attracts women directly towards my one eyed yogurt slinger. Or maybe they just love my hair, I haven't really figured that out yet.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
3 for 1 Special!
Through a series of interesting events, I received an email from a guy named Jason. Get this - he went to a girl's house who he met at the mall expecting to get some ass, but instead he was beaten up by her boyfriend and her brother. He has obviously heard of my immense greatness and wishes to drink from my fountain of knowledge.
"Alright, my name is Jason. I'm madly in love with this girl, how do i get her?"
Ah, good question Jason. Luckily for you, you've asked an expert. Here's how it works: women are very complex things. Once you understand them, they'll be eating out of the palm of your hand. So let me give you some helpful pointers.
1) Women love musicians. Nobody knows why, but some guy playing the same thing over and over again on a guitar like he's Kurt Cobain attracts the ladies (or Courtney Love...). So what you need to do is grab yourself a guitar, plug it in and start playing (no talent required)! Now it's time for a quiz...
What should you play on the guitar?
a) A simple, romantic chord progression
b) An epic, face-melting riff
Time's up. If you said "A" you are an idiot who will never feel the hands of a female upon your genitalia. However, if you said "B", then congratulations, you don't need that tube sock filled with mashed potatoes anymore! I'm sorry though - the deep secrets of heavy metal guitar playing aren't available for all to read... So, i'll move on to point 2
2) Women love heroes. There's just something about heroic deeds that get the fairer sex ready for action. Just look at Superman, or Batman if he wasn't gay (we all know what you and Robin do in the Batcave). "But Nettis, how can I become a hero?", you may wonder. Well, it's easy, either jump in radioactive waste or donate blood at your local blood drive. "But Nettis, radioactive waste is icky and needles are scary!" Geez, do you ever shut up? So then you can just pretend to be a hero. Tell every girl you meet how you donated $1 to a local charity, or how you were in a breast cancer walk once.
3) Have an incredibly large penis.
But I know you don't want any girl, you want her. Why didn't you get her? Well, heres a new list and it details why you have failed.
1) You have a fauxhawk, come on dude, really? Fauxhawks suck because there was no "fauxhawk" Native American tribe. If there was, the Mohawk and the Afro tribes would have destroyed them by now.
2) She thinks your ugly. Yeah, how does that feel? Does it sting? I bet it does.
3) *Refer to pointer #3 above*
Well, there you go Jason. If these tips don't get you laid, then you have failed as a human being.
Jason: Why is your picture spinning?
You're still asking questions? Well, here's an interesting fact about that picture. I'm not actually spinning. Rather, I am using my amazing powers to move the universe around underneath me. I'm just that awesome.
Jason: Why am I asking you this?
Other people have problems too, you know. You are asking me this because of the "interesting events" listed above, and you are extremely gullible. However, this is also because I know everything and you know nothing. Thank you, and come again.
"Alright, my name is Jason. I'm madly in love with this girl, how do i get her?"
Ah, good question Jason. Luckily for you, you've asked an expert. Here's how it works: women are very complex things. Once you understand them, they'll be eating out of the palm of your hand. So let me give you some helpful pointers.
1) Women love musicians. Nobody knows why, but some guy playing the same thing over and over again on a guitar like he's Kurt Cobain attracts the ladies (or Courtney Love...). So what you need to do is grab yourself a guitar, plug it in and start playing (no talent required)! Now it's time for a quiz...
What should you play on the guitar?
a) A simple, romantic chord progression
b) An epic, face-melting riff
Time's up. If you said "A" you are an idiot who will never feel the hands of a female upon your genitalia. However, if you said "B", then congratulations, you don't need that tube sock filled with mashed potatoes anymore! I'm sorry though - the deep secrets of heavy metal guitar playing aren't available for all to read... So, i'll move on to point 2
2) Women love heroes. There's just something about heroic deeds that get the fairer sex ready for action. Just look at Superman, or Batman if he wasn't gay (we all know what you and Robin do in the Batcave). "But Nettis, how can I become a hero?", you may wonder. Well, it's easy, either jump in radioactive waste or donate blood at your local blood drive. "But Nettis, radioactive waste is icky and needles are scary!" Geez, do you ever shut up? So then you can just pretend to be a hero. Tell every girl you meet how you donated $1 to a local charity, or how you were in a breast cancer walk once.
3) Have an incredibly large penis.
But I know you don't want any girl, you want her. Why didn't you get her? Well, heres a new list and it details why you have failed.
1) You have a fauxhawk, come on dude, really? Fauxhawks suck because there was no "fauxhawk" Native American tribe. If there was, the Mohawk and the Afro tribes would have destroyed them by now.
2) She thinks your ugly. Yeah, how does that feel? Does it sting? I bet it does.
3) *Refer to pointer #3 above*
Well, there you go Jason. If these tips don't get you laid, then you have failed as a human being.
Jason: Why is your picture spinning?
You're still asking questions? Well, here's an interesting fact about that picture. I'm not actually spinning. Rather, I am using my amazing powers to move the universe around underneath me. I'm just that awesome.
Jason: Why am I asking you this?
Other people have problems too, you know. You are asking me this because of the "interesting events" listed above, and you are extremely gullible. However, this is also because I know everything and you know nothing. Thank you, and come again.
42
Trevor: What is the meaning of life?
Shit, I knew this would come up at some time or another... Alright smart ass, here's your answer: life is what you want it to mean. No wait, thats not it... yeah, I was kidding there, the real meaning of life is...is...dammit, give me a second here.
Okay, I've got it . Get out a pen and a pad, and prepare to write. "If an egg came before a chicken in a forest, and nobody was there to see it, would it make the sound of one hand clapping?" Now divide that by zero. Well, the thing is, some of you who have typed that into your calculators may get an answer such as "ERROR: DIVIDE BY 0". Well, there is no need to fret. The reason you received that answer is because your calculator is stupid and inferior. If they ever make a calculator that could possibly handle the answer, the answer would be so infinitely long that the world's energy sources would be drained powering the calculator, thus plunging the world into the apocalypse (without the cool explosions-hurricanes-world war three-Jesus thing).
So, instead of finding out the answer for yourself, just be content in knowing that I have the answer in my head. Don't try and Google that shit either, because it will just give you links to porn sites. Keep in mind, no philosopher who has or will exist will ever come close to figuring this out. Plato? More like sniveling bacterium. Aristotle? C'mon, you would seriously believe a guy who wears a dress? Soren Kierkegaard? I bet that name means "mentally inept primate" in Danish. Confucius? Nettis say "man who write shitty riddle is shitty person. Lucky number 12, 16, 35, 58, 61."
Compared to me, these men are merely monkeys clicking away on typewriters trying to re-write the script for that Seinfeld episode where Jerry rants about an inconvenience in society and George responds by yelling an SAT word while Kramer self-implodes and Elaine grabs a Snapple from the fridge.
You know, now that I think about it, the meaning of life is to have sex with a supermodel or something like that.
Shit, I knew this would come up at some time or another... Alright smart ass, here's your answer: life is what you want it to mean. No wait, thats not it... yeah, I was kidding there, the real meaning of life is...is...dammit, give me a second here.
Okay, I've got it . Get out a pen and a pad, and prepare to write. "If an egg came before a chicken in a forest, and nobody was there to see it, would it make the sound of one hand clapping?" Now divide that by zero. Well, the thing is, some of you who have typed that into your calculators may get an answer such as "ERROR: DIVIDE BY 0". Well, there is no need to fret. The reason you received that answer is because your calculator is stupid and inferior. If they ever make a calculator that could possibly handle the answer, the answer would be so infinitely long that the world's energy sources would be drained powering the calculator, thus plunging the world into the apocalypse (without the cool explosions-hurricanes-world war three-Jesus thing).
So, instead of finding out the answer for yourself, just be content in knowing that I have the answer in my head. Don't try and Google that shit either, because it will just give you links to porn sites. Keep in mind, no philosopher who has or will exist will ever come close to figuring this out. Plato? More like sniveling bacterium. Aristotle? C'mon, you would seriously believe a guy who wears a dress? Soren Kierkegaard? I bet that name means "mentally inept primate" in Danish. Confucius? Nettis say "man who write shitty riddle is shitty person. Lucky number 12, 16, 35, 58, 61."
Compared to me, these men are merely monkeys clicking away on typewriters trying to re-write the script for that Seinfeld episode where Jerry rants about an inconvenience in society and George responds by yelling an SAT word while Kramer self-implodes and Elaine grabs a Snapple from the fridge.
You know, now that I think about it, the meaning of life is to have sex with a supermodel or something like that.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
What is the purpose of this site?
Jay: What is your whole goal of this site?
Good question. Unlike most blogs on the internet, I do have a purpose here. My purpose is to educate the masses. In fact, I'd call myself a modern day Siddhartha Gautama, or Jesus Christ, or that guy who made up the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Now, certain critics might say that I'm just some crazy person ranting on the internet. Well, to that I say "touche, critics." I may not have an "eight-fold path" or any noble truths, commandments, caste systems, etc. However, I do choose to live my life by the "infinite rule list" which I just made up. Here's how it works - you make your own rules, and those rules can never be broken, unless you want to. That is because it's rule #48: Rules are made to be broken. Which takes me back to the initial question, my goal of the site is to change the way people think, or in a simpler sense, to make this a little time waster to somebody miles away from here.
Good question. Unlike most blogs on the internet, I do have a purpose here. My purpose is to educate the masses. In fact, I'd call myself a modern day Siddhartha Gautama, or Jesus Christ, or that guy who made up the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Now, certain critics might say that I'm just some crazy person ranting on the internet. Well, to that I say "touche, critics." I may not have an "eight-fold path" or any noble truths, commandments, caste systems, etc. However, I do choose to live my life by the "infinite rule list" which I just made up. Here's how it works - you make your own rules, and those rules can never be broken, unless you want to. That is because it's rule #48: Rules are made to be broken. Which takes me back to the initial question, my goal of the site is to change the way people think, or in a simpler sense, to make this a little time waster to somebody miles away from here.
Welcome to Ask Nettis!
Well, here it is. The center of the Internet. Despite any current religious beliefs or philosophies, I am the all powerful god of the universe. I am Nettis, and I will answer all of your questions. Now, you may be thinking, "Nettis, how can I ask you my questions?" It's simple really, just e-mail me at AskNettis@gmail.com, or post your question in the comments section, and I'll probably answer your questions. Ask me anything, and I will have an excellent answer. Now, get to your e-mail and send me something! You can also ask questions in the comment section of this post. If you're question is good enough, it might get posted. If it's some mediocre attempt to be funny, well, then fuck you. You belong on Myspace.
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